I AM NOT FLAWLESS

“Why…? Maybe because… well NO ONE posts about their issues on social media. See on here we can live a lie. We can filter our flaws, or post pictures that convince others we live a luxurious life when we truly don’t.

So… this is for those searching for someone to relate to, for someone who isn’t perfect, and for someone who has flaws as well. “

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Soo… here it is…

Sharing my flaws/low points literally feels as though I have walked outside naked.

I’ll take $500 now

Right now: 
I literally want to do anything but this

I guess I just didn’t think at 21… I would be having to think about or even consider filing for disability

You know… when I was bedridden and attending SIUC this is what I did. I couldn’t help it. I scrolled through social media with my major anxiety, depression, and pain (+more) jealous because no one else has 3-4+ doctor visits every week, or bawled every night with their roommates because NO DOCTOR could figure it out! ( Thanks Bri, Cory, & Noah btw) I craved to look for AT LEAST ONE person with the same struggles, but guess what? I didn’t…

Why…? Maybe because… well NO ONE posts about their issues on social media. See on here we can live a lie. We can filter our flaws, or post pictures that convince others we live a luxurious life when we truly don’t.

So… this is for those searching for someone to relate to, for someone who isn’t perfect, and for someone who has flaws as well. So for you I’ll do this…

#IAmNotFlawless

1. I’ll share a personal health issue

2. I’ll share a relationship issue

3. I’ll post a picture I DON’T feel I look “perfect” in

1. I have more than Lyme Disease which is why I always say I have CHRONIC LYME, as if Lyme isn’t bad enough. 

Oh here’s a good one… while attending SIUC neurologically I wasn’t functioning up to parr & my instructor actually pulled me into his office and asked me if I was dyslexic.

2. There aren’t any issues because there is no longer a relationship.

3. Let me find one… Here… 

Let me point out my flaws my left (your right) eye looks bigger than the right probably because I have a flare up of increased eye pressure in that eye (a symptom..). My hair… I don’t even have to explain it I literally woke up like this. I also haven’t had my eyebrows waxed in at least a year. I have never gone to EIU my mom bought this from Goodwill. I weigh about 87-89lbs right now… oh and what you don’t see… I haven’t shaved my legs in at least 3 months (thank goodness for thin hair & the inabililty to zoom in). Oh and since we’re keeping it real… I was going to crop this picture because of what I am wearing, but honestly this is more conservative than a girl wearing a swimsuit or even of one breast feeding in a facility.  I’m smiling, but it hurts so much. How much? Combine dementia, bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia (specifically trigeminal neuralgia), dylexia, migraines so bad you want to drive into a building, depression, anxiety, the list goes on– lyme is completely neurological. 

See, I try to make it look easy, but it’s not at all honestly even without Chronic Lyme…

As some of you know. I have more going on than someone at 21 or actually anyone at any age has to go through. 

I want to heal so that I can share all I’ve learned and help others as well even those that aren’t affected by a chronic illness by preventing them or their kids from ever being affected. I want to help people with issues from Major Anxiety or drugs addictions – MS, Lupus, thyroid disorders, and more. I have so much information in my lap for those that want or  I can’t just throw it away! I want to treat the true issue not the body’s reaction.

All I have ever aimed to do was help others…

👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇🖐👇👇

Do I feel weird doing my own fundraisers? Ha! Trust me it makes me want to cry when people I know or “use” to know pass by me at my raffle stand… I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t want to stand behind my own raffle table on a Thursday, Friday, or ANY night for hours. I feel as though I’m asking for spare change… Can you imagine how inferior and insecure that would make you feel? No one prepares you for that.

I also love the ideas given to me like

1. a 5k, 

2. car wash, 

3. dodgeball tournament

and more but I am ONLY one person and can only do so much. 

 One thing that keeps coming back is that you can only rely on yourself. I keep getting people saying if I need anything or I’ll do anything, but those words don’t become actions. FALSE HOPE is the worst thing you can give in this situation. Your drive shows how much you care. Excuses show how much you don’tYou don’t find time for things that matter, you make time. I  am so driven because I care. I have no choice but to care. Unfortunately out of sight out of mind doesn’t apply to me.

Being 21 year old girl with… a bill like this because you had cavitation surgery (necrotic sites in your jaw, I had 6)

 and having to try to figure out how to raise at least $50,000 for just your main 8-week treatment to be cured from something that could’ve been been prevented if it would’ve been treated when it was acute. IT IS very UPSETTING & FRUSTRATING. & I have to pay for treatment before recieving it. 

What I have been hiding is that Jess actually has to be treated too. Everything I have he has  (as proven by live analysis) and eventually will become more active as time goes on. So not only do I have to figure out how to save my own life, but his as well. ARE YOU OVERWHELMED YET? I AM.

 I am only about 1/15th to just my treatment. 😩

I want to at least convince myself I’m just a 21 year old girl. When you’re sick you already feel like sh*t, you probably don’t want to look like it too. I mean patients with other illnesses wear wigs.

 People with Lyme have a disguise too.  

  I have a disguise too… 

“It’s okay not to be okay”

If you would like to help click on the link below.

https://www.facebook.com/carolinascure/

See my goal isn’t to spread awareness. What good will that do? I am not working this hard for the soul purpose of awareness. You are aware about Dementia, Diabetes, MS, And Cancer. What is that doing? I ACTUALLY want to duo something about it. My purpose is to… 

1. HEAL ASAP 

2. Carolina’s Cure Foundation: to help others

(financially, emotionally, physically)

Other foundations only help slightly and just financially that isn’t enough

3. Open a preventative facility: to prevent it from happening to you & your family

4. PA School (Your mind would be blown with all that I’ve learned)

Modern medicine is about symptom management, not solution-based. That’s unacceptable in my eyes. Truly living a healthy life isn’t possible if you’re not rich. So are you just going to sit down and accept it? Or stand behind me?

 
I refuse to give up simply because finance is the issue. I am others hope and I want to heal so that I can be in a position to share all I’ve learned and help others as well even those that aren’t affected by a chronic illness by preventing them or their kids from ever being affected. I want to help people with Major Anxiety or drugs addictions to MS, Dementia, and more! I have soooo much information in my lap I can’t just throw it away! I refuse to let this stop me, but instead I’ll allow it to fuel me.

If I died tomorrow I know not one person could say “She didn’t try hard enough or she could’ve done more.” I am confident of this because I am aware that I am working myself to death, but I would rather die trying. 

How you handle success is important but more importantly is how you handle failure.

Author: caroliinenumber9

I'm 21. After 3 years of Doctor visits, Carolina was finally diagnosed with CHRONIC Lyme in February 2017. With the coming of all of her doctors they have created an 8-week treatment plan to put Carolina in remission. However, money seems to be in the way. "No one should be left to suffer that DEATH is their only hope..." https://www.gofundme.com/CarolinasCure

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